LETTING GO OF SELF-JUDGMENT
From your “Wrong” Voice to your Strong Voice!
Discerning your voice of self-judgement from the rest of you…
Self-judgment is a time-consuming, debilitating habit that offers no real reward. And yet, we all participate in it to some extent. Often, our self-judgments arise out of messages we have internalized from our families while growing up, or from the society we live in. That message becomes a part of the way we perceive the world and ourselves. It becomes a fixed aspect of our filter. The result is that as we have new experiences, we are still filtering them through the old lens. The brain actually looks for evidence which supports the existing filter by including supporting elements and eliminating or ignoring those elements which conflict. In other words, it’s a self-reinforcing cycle. We come to believe our self-judgments and then all we can see is that which supports them, until the filter goes from being a passive mental agent to being an active voice within us. But letting go of self-judgment is not a lost cause! Just as new habits can be formed, old ones can be broken. Let’s look at how you can retrain your brain and learn to quiet the voice of self-judgment.
Become familiar with the voice of judgment within you. What does this voice have to say? Does it have your best interests at heart? How often do you listen to this voice? How does it feel to listen to it? What would it feel like not to? Awareness is 99% of the game. Once you can expose this part of yourself, bring it out into the sunlight, and examine it for what it is, you are no longer suffering from the belief that it is all of you. It becomes a separate segment of who you are, one which you can choose to let drive or put in a passenger seat.
Pay attention to what self-judgment feels like in your body. Maybe it is a tightness in your chest or your diaphragm. Maybe you notice your breath begins to quicken. Maybe you find that you are overcome by a sudden wave of exhaustion whenever you begin to judge yourself. Discover what self-judgment feels like for you and then use that sensation as a red-flag. The red flag lets you know you are about to embark down the old path of a self-judging litany so it is time to slow down and pay attention.
Witness your self-judgment rather than embodying it or acting it out. As you become more adept at recognizing your inner judgmental voice and the feelings associated with it, you will begin to be able to create some distance between that part of yourself and the rest of you. This process is about learning to notice your self-judgements rather than reacting to them. It is about observing your thoughts and feelings instead of being ruled by them. As with any new skill, it requires patience and dedication.
Discover the healthy, loving voices within you. Now that you are able to identify and witness the voice of self-judgment, explore what other voices lie within. Can you find a positive/wise/encouraging/loving/healthy/respectful/joyful voice? What does this voice sound like?
Familiarize yourself with the sensations of this strong voice just as you familiarized yourself with the feelings of the judgmental voice. What does self-appreciation/self-love feel like in your body? When you find yourself going into self-judgment and you have practiced slowing down and witnessing your judgments, see if you can call upon this other voice, your strong voice. What does it have to say? There are always more empowered parts of you at your disposal, you just have to grow accustomed to listening to them.
Learn to shift your focus. Being able to recognize and witness your self-judging voice allows you to discern the old path of self-judgment. Getting to know your strong voice prepares you for a new path. When you feel yourself standing at the crossroads, consciously choose to connect with your strong voice and hold your focus there. This is a discipline! It is no different than getting yourself to the gym or resisting the urge to pick up a cigarette. There will be a desire to return to the old behavior. That is where your will comes in. You have a choice about where you put your focus. Choose wisely! If you find you have slipped back down the old path, gently draw yourself back to your strong voice. Be patient with yourself! After all, this is about being less judgmental, not finding a new way to berate yourself.
An attitude of patience and gentleness is paramount to the process of letting go of self-judgment. You are not endeavoring to banish your self-judging voice, you are endeavoring to embrace it, understand it, and learn from it. You will not lose any part of yourself through this process, you will only gain more of you. Expanding your self-awareness gives you a choice over whether to follow the old path or the new one. Each time self-judgment arises you will face that choice anew. Whichever path you decide to go down, you will be looking at life through a clearer lens.